The Aftermath

Hey there, fuckfans! It's your ol' pal Scratches here, back with another tale of sweaty lust and pelvic thrusts. I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving - I sure as hell didn't. Yeah, the day started out fine, sharing a meal with my good friends, but by 4 o'clock we were all wasted and hammering nails into each other's assholes. Try explaining to the doctor why you've got a magnetic screwdriver lodged in your rectum (to pull out the nails, duh!). Anyway, by the end of the night, nobody was talking to each other. Cocky Ballsboa, one of my superstars, tried to get a game of Monopoly started, but within 15 minutes the board was overturned and Cocky was left trying to figure out how 3 hotels had managed to lodge themselves in his urethra unnoticed. *hack* *cough* Oh Mary, my lungs. Not a good night.

But fear not! Just like my good friend Puffy always says, "Can't nobody hold me down." That's right, I'm back in the saddle, back on the wagon, and ready to throw my hot dog down a few hallways again. That's why I'm announcing my latest project: Scratches' Audition Couch XXIII: I Just Fucked You For Free. That's right, ladies. If you can drag your ass down to my studio on Beaubien, I'll dingle my dangle all over your shit for at least an hour, shoot my diseased load all over your face, and distribute it around the world, all without paying you a single red cent! But don't fret - it'll look good on your resume. When you finally get out of rehab and out to the Valley, just tell 'em Scratches sent ya, and watch the work roll in.

But for those of you who just want to watch, I've got a new holiday-themed video cumming out that's guaranteed to get your fuckbars a'goin' again. Head down to your neighborhood pornporium and ask for Boned for the Holidays: A Very Scratches Jizz-mas. It's got all of your favorite stars from my stable of honeys: Kitty Dangle, Sweatee Swank, Jizzy Hump, and Exotica Deep, starring alongside my world-famous superstuds Harry Hamtramck and Wayne State Boniversity, and of course, me, Scratches! We get all kinds of kinky in such exotic locales as the apartment-for-rent (Lafayette Lofts), the parking attendant's booth (Congress Parking) and the janitor's closet (Detroit Opera House). So run out and grab a copy today, before they're looooooooong gone!

Well kids, that's about all ol' Scratches has for ya today. But remember, when life gets ya down, pick yourself back up again and get that ol' fuckmeat a new piece of ass to call home. It's always worked for me. Well, that and penicillin. Keep fuckin'!

Happy Thanksgiving/My new film

Hiya kiddos,

It's your ol' pal Scratches here, wishing you all a very happy Thanksgiving. I hope you're all experiencing better weather than we are here in the great city of Detroit. It's so cold my balls are shriveling up. I haven't seen my balls hang this close to my ass since '84. *cough* *hack* Oh Mary, my lungs. There's so few wrinkles down there that it looks like I shot Botox into the ol' scrote.

So you're probably all wondering when I'm going to release my latest fuck opus. Well folks, today's your lucky day, because I just wrapped shooting with my newest starlet, Annie St. Antoine. Are you sitting down? I know I am, because I threw out my back banging the hell out of this skank. She's got beaver for days and ass for months. You like cellulite? Well then you'll love Annie. She's got some to spare. And the stench!

Anyway, the new film is called Skanksgiving IV: A Detroit Tradition. Some of you may recall my first three Skanksgiving entries, especially Skanksgiving II: Astroglide Boogaloo, which won an AVN Award for "Achievement in Reverse Cowboy." Ah, the glory days. But let me tell you, this one is something special indeed. *cough* *hack* Oh Mary, my lungs. Annie and I wanted to come up with something you'd never seen before, and after months of experimentation, we came up with a new technique that's going to revolutionize the industry: Double Anal Reverse-Reverse Cowboy (Flowering Lotus). When you see just what exactly that is, you're going to blow your load while I blow your mind. And while Annie blows me.

Okay, kiddos. I hope you all have a great holiday, and be sure to keep your eyes open for my fuckflick. Now if you'll all excuse me, I've got to go eat a turkey leg with a side of mashed potatoes out of Annie's vagina.

Keep fuckin'!